if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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