I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
