you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
