Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
