I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
