We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
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