You don't have asthma, your pregnant
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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