I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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