I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
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