I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
