did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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