I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Randomize
