Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
