Do you still have your period?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
