ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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