My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
