dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
