My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
And then he peed in my hair
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