the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
