how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
