Non-Jews are for practice
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
