did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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