I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
