Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
