FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
