worst night to have a conscience
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Randomize
