i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Randomize
