I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
third nipple confirmed
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
