speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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