I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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