U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
