Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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