between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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