Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
