i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
