I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
