Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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