So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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