either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Randomize
