Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
