The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Randomize
