ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
