there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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