Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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