I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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