dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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