I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
