shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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