I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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