"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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