No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
